Is Honesty the Best Policy?
Defining Honesty
The foundation of every intimate relationship is honesty. However, not all honesty is created equal. When it comes to our thoughts, can there be such a thing as too much honesty?
We owe our partners fidelity, prioritization, follow-through on our commitments, and help where necessary. However, do we owe them exposure to every single thought we have? More specifically, I am referring to hurtful thoughts. Is this what honesty requires?
Most Filter Their Thoughts
We have all thought, in a difficult moment, something ugly about our significant other. Our partners will disappoint, hurt, or anger us from time to time. When they do, condemning thoughts arise. We feel hurt, so we think to hurt them back. Many of us will filter out those thoughts before putting them into verbal expression. We think, “No. I should not say that. It wouldn’t help anything. It’ll only make things worse.” We decide to let the inflammatory thoughts go and either remain silent or strive to express ourselves in healthier ways. This is called filtering. It is a form of thought editing.
When Filtering Breaks Down
Most of us are constantly filtering. We have all had foot-in-mouth moments, but those instances tend to be the outliers. However, some struggle with filtering. A portion of them do so out of uncontrolled impulsivity, while others do it in the name of honesty. In couples therapy, I often witness clients who suffer from the latter. In many instances, this is the very reason they have found themselves in couples therapy—though they may not realize it.
In the Name of Honesty
Some choose not to edit themselves, justifying this negative form of expression in the name of honesty. “I hate you.” “I don’t think we’re right for each other.” “I want to break up.” “I’m sick of you.” “I don’t find you attractive anymore.” The list of negative thoughts one might think in a heated moment is endless, and these individuals blurt them as soon as they think them. They thought it, so they must speak it. To do otherwise would be dishonest.
Is Filtering the Same as Lying?
When I challenge the productivity of making such statements in session, these clients typically respond, “I’m just being honest.” Some will expand upon this and say, “This is therapy, right? Isn’t this where I am supposed to be the most honest?”
While it is true that therapy is a safe space where honesty is welcome, it is also a place to learn healthier communication skills. This type of non-filtering is a maladaptive behavior pattern glorified as honesty, and it must be addressed and corrected in session to decrease the frequency of arguments or expedite repair when an argument has already occurred.
The Trap of Radical Transparency
These clients feel justified in voicing their thoughts in real time because they are real and actually occurred. “If I think it, I must say it.” They celebrate this in the name of truth, believing full mental transparency is the only way to be authentic, genuine, and honest. However, this rationale ignores the pain it causes their partner and their relationship.
These moments give immediate insight into a core issue for the couple. Typically, what happens in therapy is a microcosm of the real world. If an individual justifies such behavior in treatment, they are most likely doing so at home. This gives direction for therapy. If we can consistently correct faulty thinking and negative behavior patterns in our sessions, it will eventually be corrected in the client’s everyday lives.
Absolute Honesty vs. Compassionate Honesty
Two ways to consider honesty are absolutely and compassionately.
The dictionary defines “absolute” as “total and complete.” “Honest” is defined as “free of deceit and untruthfulness.”
In the business world, a book by Larry Johnson and Bob Phillips examines this type of honesty as “straight talk.”
In Christianity, Absolute Honesty encompasses being wholly truthful about one’s actions and life and is essential to spiritual growth.
However, these concepts are not always applicable to every aspect of life. In a relationship, to be wholly truthful is not always healthy. For example, if you find someone attractive while walking on the street with your partner, would you turn to them and say, “Honey, I just undressed that person with my eyes.” That kind of “straight talk” would most likely land you in the doghouse. Most would filter out the thought rather than risk upsetting their partner.
Those who practice Absolute Honesty may feel compelled to share such thoughts to prove their truthfulness—even if it hurts their partner. In doing so, their partner’s feelings are eclipsed by the ideal of Absolute Honesty.
Practicing Compassionate Honesty, a person filters out a hurtful thought or edits to be more constructive. It is typically considered the healthier form of honesty because it considers the feelings of others and uses a more sensitive approach. Compassionate Honesty is still honesty—it’s not inferior to Absolute Honesty. In fact, in most relationships, it is the preferred approach.
The Honesty Spectrum
If honesty exists on a spectrum—from Compassionate Honesty at one end and Absolute Honesty at the other—it raises a question: where does Compassionate Honesty end and Absolute Honesty begin? Where is the line? I believe that line is crossed when honesty begins to hurt the listener.
Some say, “The truth hurts,” but we know that’s not a universal truth. Many truths do not.
I challenge my clients to consider the honesty spectrum and aim for the kinder end. Compassionate Honesty can be a guiding force while maintaining integrity and authenticity.
Think Before You Speak
There are other ways to frame honesty, such as the old adage, “Think before you speak.” Not everything we think is worthy of expression. When triggered or upset, our first thoughts are rarely kind or helpful. They tend to be aggressive and difficult to filter.
A caveat: If you think a bad thought, it can stay yours—and probably should. However, if you act on it—if you betray your partner in some way—the stakes get much higher, and it may become necessary to be honest about what you did, not what you thought. Thoughts are yours. Actions are not.
Our Reptilian Brain: Why Filtering Fails Under Stress
When we feel threatened, hurt, or emotionally flooded, a very old part of our brain comes online—the reptilian brain. This primitive system evolved to keep our ancestors alive, not to help them maintain intimate relationships. Its job is simple: detect danger and respond quickly through fight or flight.
Although we have evolved far beyond our ancestors, this system still activates under emotional threat—especially during conflict with a partner. When triggered, the reptilian brain pushes us toward attack or escape. In modern relationships, that “attack” is often verbal. Words become weapons. Filters disappear. The urge is to strike back before we have time to think.
Fortunately, humans also possess a highly developed cerebral cortex—the part of the brain responsible for reasoning, impulse control, empathy, and perspective-taking. This is the part of the brain that allows us to pause, reflect, and choose how we respond rather than react. Healthy communication depends on our ability to override the reptilian brain and engage this higher-level functioning.
When filtering breaks down in conflict, it is rarely because someone is being deliberately cruel. It is because the nervous system is dysregulated and the brain has temporarily shifted into survival mode. In these moments, unfiltered honesty feels urgent, justified, and necessary—even when it is destructive.
The work, then, is not to eliminate strong emotions or difficult thoughts, but to slow the process enough for the cortex to come back online. Our ancestors didn’t have the option to regulate—they had to react. We do.
Failing to filter in moments of conflict is not authenticity; it is neurological hijacking. Using your cerebral cortex—especially when it’s hardest to do so—is not repression or dishonesty. It is maturity, regulation, and care for the relationship.
Impulsivity Disguised as Ideology
Some disguise impulsivity as truthfulness. “I thought, so I’ll say it. Otherwise, I’m a liar.” Taken another step further, “I’m not hurtful. I’m honest.” This is a shallow excuse. It’s not honesty. It is impulsivity dressed up as a noble principle. You’re bypassing a millennium of evolution and ignoring the power of your own brain.
Our thoughts are often emotional and imperfect. They need editing. Resist the urge to blurt out hurtful words. If you want a healthier relationship, use your cerebral cortex.
How Couples Therapy Can Help You
Couples therapy is not individual therapy. In individual therapy, you can say anything—it’s confidential. That freedom fosters honesty.
But real life isn’t therapy. In couples therapy, your partner hears what you say, and it can be triggering. It’s not totally private.
Couples therapy can be tense because it surfaces the problems partners experience with one another. Under stress, bad habits emerge. This is useful—it lets the therapist offer real-time corrections and healthier alternatives.
The Difference Between Absolute Honesty and Decorum
Total thought exposure is not a healthy way to prove you are honest. It can be damaging.
Let’s turn to the dictionary for evidence. It contains many words that highlight the opposite of Absolute Honesty and affirm the value of filtering.
- Decorum: Behavior that is controlled, calm, and polite.
- Tact: Sensitivity in dealing with others or difficult situations
Other related terms include:
- Consideration
- Manners
- Civility
- Kindness
- Grace
- Thoughtfulness
- Etiquette
Antonyms include:
- Insensitivity
- Disregard
- Rudeness
- Brashness
Clearly, we’ve created a rich vocabulary to describe the importance of tact and decorum—because we value them. We should use this wisdom in how we speak.
The Honesty Hypocrisy
One major issue with Absolute Honesty is that people use it selectively.
Those who claim to live by Absolute wouldn’t use it at work—they’d get fired. They don’t use it with friends—they’d have none left. And they wouldn’t use it with strangers—it could start fights.
Yet, they reserve their harshest truths for the person they love the most. Somehow, this is the reward their partner receives for being close to them. It’s paradoxical—and damaging.
Brutal Honesty is another term used as an opposite to Compassionate Honesty. When someone says, “To be brutally honest,” it usually means something hurtful is coming. While sometimes this is necessary, Brutal Honesty should be used sparingly. If it were the norm, most relationships would not survive. The same goes for Absolute Honesty.
Sometimes, Understanding Is Not Enough
Even if someone understands that unfiltered honesty is harmful, they may still fail to control it. For some, it’s a habit—deeply ingrained and hard to break.
Ways to Help
If you agree with filtering but struggle to practice it, here are some tools that can help:
Mindfulness. Recognition of a problem is 90% of the solution. You must be mindful of the situations that trigger your bad habits—such as arguments. Once recognized, you can intercept your impulses before they become spoken words.
Empathy. Consider how your words will affect your partner. If that’s difficult, reverse it—imagine if they said it to you. Would it hurt? If yes, then it probably hurts them.
Take a Breath. A simple breath can give your brain time to catch up. It calms you and pauses the moment, giving you space to filter and think.
10-Second Rule. If a breath isn’t enough, count to ten. This longer pause can calm agitation and help regulate your response. Breathe deeply during the count to help reduce your heart rate.
Time-Out. If you’re still overwhelmed, call a Time-Out. It might be 15 minutes or until the next day—whatever you need. But always honor the timeframe and resume the conversation, or your partner may feel abandoned.
Therapy. These techniques are just the start. If you’re struggling with impulsivity or Absolute Honesty, therapy can help. Individual therapy provides skills and insight. Couples therapy allows you to work through challenges together. Both are powerful tools.
In Closing
We owe our partners many things—but not access to all our thoughts. Our thoughts are our own. With maturity and empathy, we can choose what to say and what to keep.
Words, once spoken, cannot be taken back. They stay with the listener.
We have been blessed with amazing brains. Let’s use them wisely. Our thoughts are a responsibility. Speak with care. Speak with kindness. Choose compassion over impulsivity.
Think twice. Shooting from the hip—or the mouth, in this case—can destroy what you cherish.
Absolute Honesty is rarely suited for intimate relationships. Tact, empathy, and decorum win the day. Some thoughts are best left unspoken. Reframing is not dishonest—it’s human. And it leads to much healthier, more loving relationships.
Contact Me
If you still have questions after reading any of my articles or would like to dig deeper, please feel free to contact me for a consultation. I have helped many couples and individuals struggling with relationship issues learn how to work on relationships. I would be happy to help. You can contact me below or through the Contact Me section on my website, EdwardBowz.com. You can also call me at 818.304.5004.
Written by: Edward Bowz, LMFT